i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
