Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize