My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
