dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
