my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Randomize
