when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize