Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
