Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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