I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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