Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
