this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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