i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
