guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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