I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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