I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
