If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
