Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
