All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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