I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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