I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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