Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
