Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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