she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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