My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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