My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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