I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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