I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Holy sore nipples Batman
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Shame - the story of my life.
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