You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
