my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
