i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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