So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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