Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
