respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
