Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's blow job season.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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