If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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