So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
