we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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