I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
