So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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