I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize