Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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