And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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