Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
