do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
