you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
