no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize