i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
