He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
