Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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