awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
