remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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