I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize