i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
