hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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