threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
