i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
