I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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