Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
