i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize