My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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