too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
