I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
