I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
